I am not going to be your first, and here is why
Posted as not_your_first
- Looking for
- somebody with real experience who already knows their own limits
- Experience
- Nineteen years, several long dynamics, two of them still friendships.
- Around
- the Jewellery Quarter, Birmingham
This will not make me popular on a board where most of the posts are from people who have never done any of it, so let me at least set out my reasons rather than quietly ignoring everybody who writes.
Forty seven, the Jewellery Quarter, nineteen years in. I have been somebody's first three times. Two of those were fine and we all remain on good terms. One was not, and it was not because anything went wrong physically.
What happened was that she attached the whole of it to me. Her entire understanding of what this is came from one person, so when we ended she had no way of telling the difference between me being wrong for her and the thing itself being wrong for her. I did what I could and it was not enough, and I decided afterwards that being the only reference point another adult has is a responsibility I am not willing to take on again.
So I am looking for people who already know what they like, who have had at least one dynamic end and survived the ending, and who can tell me in plain terms where their limits sit without hedging or checking my face first.
If you are new, none of this is a judgement of you and I hope somebody good says yes, because several people on here would be excellent at it. I am not one of them. What I want is a long and unhurried dynamic with somebody who arrives as a whole person and would still be one if it ended, and I have learned the hard way that I cannot reliably build that out of nothing.