Chronic illness, Berlin, submissive, and my energy is the limit
Posted as grey_week
- Looking for
- someone who treats a cancelled plan as information rather than rejection
- Experience
- Eleven years, the last four with a body that argues.
- Around
- Friedrichshain, Berlin
I have an autoimmune condition that decides about a third of my weeks for me, and the hardest part of being submissive with it is that people hear a cancellation as a loss of interest.
Thirty nine, Berlin, eleven years in this, four of them since diagnosis. I know my body reasonably well now. I know that a scene which was nothing at thirty will cost me two days at thirty nine, and I have stopped pretending otherwise in order to be more appealing.
What still works beautifully: rules, structure, tasks that can be done sitting down, being told what to do with a day I would otherwise waste. Kneeling briefly on something soft. Rope on the floor rather than anything suspended. Being looked after in a way that is still clearly control rather than nursing, which is a distinction I care about a great deal.
What does not work: long sessions, anything standing, heat, and surprises. I need to know the shape of an evening beforehand. That is planning, not distrust.
I would rather be with somebody who has their own full life, so that my bad weeks are not a crisis for them. I do not want to be a project or an act of kindness. I am not fragile as a person, only as a body, and the two get confused constantly. If you have a condition of your own you probably understood all of this already, and you would not have to explain yours to me either.