Three dynamics, all ended the same way, and it was me
Posted as it_was_me_three_times
- Looking for
- somebody who will not let me agree to things I do not want
- Experience
- Nine years, three dynamics, every one of them ending in the fourth month.
- Around
- the city centre, Birmingham
Every one of them ended somewhere around the fourth month, and for years I told the story as though I had been unlucky three separate times. Then the last one said something on her way out that I have not managed to put down since: that I agree to everything, then quietly resent it, and that she could watch it happening and I would not admit it.
She was right. Thirty eight, city centre, submissive, nine years in and only recently honest about any of this.
What I do is say yes. Not out of fear of anybody, but because yes is the easiest thing in the room and it makes the other person happy for roughly a fortnight. Then I go slightly cold, and then I invent a scheduling problem, and then it is over and I have somehow not said one true thing about what I actually wanted.
So what I need is somebody who checks. Who asks the second question instead of accepting the first answer, and who treats an easy yes from me as information rather than agreement. I am working on it from my side and I am not asking anybody to do that work for me. I am asking for somebody who will notice.
Not looking for anyone who wants total obedience, because I will perform it beautifully and we will be finished by the fourth month. Not looking to narrate the last nine years in detail. And not looking for a dynamic that runs on my initiative, which is the one thing I have proved I cannot sustain.