I have never said any of this to a single person before now
Posted as first_time_typing_it
- Looking for
- somebody patient with a person at the very beginning
- Experience
- None. This post is the first time I have written it down.
- Around
- the east of the city, Lyon
I have not told anybody. Not a friend, not a partner, not the internet until about forty minutes ago. I have written and deleted this four times, and the reason I am posting it now is that I am twenty three and I have already spent five years thinking about it, and at some point thinking becomes a way of not doing.
So: twenty three, east of the city, and I think I go both ways, based on nothing but what I notice about myself. My experience is nil. I have never even had the conversation with somebody I was seeing.
What I am afraid of, honestly, is being known. I have family here and a small circle of friends who have known me since we were children, and the idea of any of this reaching them frightens me. I understand that makes me cautious in a way that is inconvenient for whoever writes back.
What I want is to talk to somebody who has done this a long time and will be neither shocked nor thrilled by how little I know. Slowly. Meeting somewhere ordinary. No promises about what any of it becomes.
Not looking for anyone who wants to be the first at everything, which I have read enough to know is a category of person. Not looking to be taken anywhere with other people in it, at all, for a long time. Not looking for somebody who will tell me this is easy, because it does not feel easy from here.