Fifty five, Madrid, and I had this for eighteen years with one person
Posted as the_good_chair
- Looking for
- someone unbothered by the fact that I am comparing
- Experience
- Eighteen years with one person. Nothing since she died.
- Around
- Chamberí, Madrid
She died three years ago in March. We had eighteen years of this and it was never once discussed with anybody outside the two of us, which is why I am writing to strangers now rather than to anyone who knew us.
Fifty five, Madrid, submissive, and I should say plainly that I am not looking for a replacement and I am also not going to pretend I am not comparing. I am. Everybody in my position is, and the ones who say otherwise are managing it worse than I am.
What I had was quiet and domestic. She decided things. I did them. There were standing rules about how the house ran and how I spoke to her in front of other people, which was no differently, which was rather the point. Very little of it would have looked like anything from outside.
What I would like is that again, with someone else, on their own terms rather than hers. I know it will not be the same and I do not want it to be. I want the shape of it: being answerable to somebody, having a standard held, being useful to a person who notices.
I am healthy, I still work three days a week, I cook properly and I keep a very tidy flat. My children are adults and know nothing about any of this and will continue not to. I would prefer somebody over forty five. I am not in a hurry, I have been not in a hurry for three years, and one more winter of it would not kill me.