Dark by four from November, and I do much worse alone in it
Posted as four_in_the_afternoon
- Looking for
- something built now that will still be standing in December
- Experience
- Three years, one dynamic, which quietly stopped in February.
- Around
- the north, Moscow
Every winter I lose about three months. Not dramatically. I just stop cooking properly, stop answering people, and arrive at March having done the minimum. I have been told this is very common and knowing that has never once helped.
Twenty eight, submissive, the north, three years in. My one real dynamic ended in February, which is to say it did not end so much as I stopped replying and he sensibly gave up. That was my fault and I have thought about it a great deal since.
I am posting in August on purpose. If I write this in November I will not follow through, and anything begun in the dark has to survive being begun by a worse version of me. What I want is to build something now, in the light, with somebody who understands that in four months I will need it more and be less good at asking.
Concretely: standing rules about the ordinary things. Eating. Sleeping. Going outside once a day. Somebody who wants a daily report and will actually read it, and who treats a missed one as something to ask about rather than something to punish. Structure is the only thing I have found that works and I cannot hold it on my own.
Not looking for anyone who wants to be my treatment. I have proper help for that and I am not asking you to replace it. Not looking for intensity. Not looking for someone who will disappear in January, which is the month I would notice most.