A year of notes about what I want, and most of it is questions
Posted as notes_in_a_file
- Looking for
- somebody who will sit and go through it with me, patiently
- Experience
- Eleven years in my head. Two years of it actually happening.
- Around
- the north, Moscow
It started as a list and became about nine pages. Things I want, things I think I want, things I wanted at twenty five and no longer do, and then increasingly a section of questions I cannot answer on my own, which is now longer than all the other sections combined. My friends would find this extremely funny if any of them knew, which they do not.
Forty, switch, the north. Eleven years of thinking about this and two of doing anything, which is a ratio I am not proud of but there it is. One arrangement of ten months, ended by distance, perfectly amicable.
The questions are things like: how do you tell the difference between not wanting something and being afraid of it. What do you actually do when the person leading you makes a small mistake and does not notice. How do people manage the ordinary Monday of it, the part nobody writes about.
What I want is somebody to go through this with. Not a teacher exactly. A partner who is interested in the same questions and does not find the file ridiculous. Both directions, ongoing, slow.
I am aware that describing yourself as a person with a document is not seductive. I am not trying to be. This board rewards the people who say something true and I have decided the truest thing about me is that I think about this constantly and act on it rarely. Not looking for anybody who will tell me to stop overthinking. Not looking to be someone's uncomplicated evening. Not looking for a person with no questions of their own.