Two men, twelve years together, looking for a third, and why the last ended
Posted as what_went_wrong
- Looking for
- a submissive man for a defined and long term place in the household
- Experience
- Twelve years together, nine with a structure, one arrangement of three years.
- Around
- the north, Moscow
We had a third for three years and it ended eighteen months ago, well but sadly, and we think the honest thing is to tell you what we got wrong rather than describe a perfect household.
We got two things wrong. We never wrote anything down, so when his circumstances changed there was no agreed way to change the arrangement and we all just improvised badly for four months. And we let him become socially dependent on us, because it was easier and rather flattering, until he had almost no friends who were not ours. That was our responsibility and we did not see it until near the end.
We are forty one and forty eight, in the north, twelve years together, nine of them with a structure in the house. One of us leads, one does not, and the third had a defined place under both of us.
What we want is the same shape again, done better. Written terms. A review every few months. An absolute insistence that you keep your own home, your own friends and your own money, and that we ask about all three regularly.
What it looks like day to day is far more domestic than dramatic. Standing duties, two or three evenings a week, and a great deal of ordinary time. Not looking for anybody under thirty. Not looking for someone who wants to move in, which is not on offer and will not become available. Not looking for a person with nothing else in his life, because that is exactly the mistake we made and we are not making it twice.