Sixty four, three grown children, and fifteen years since any of this
Posted as fifteen_years_nothing
- Looking for
- company and structure rather than intensity, at a slow pace
- Experience
- A decade of it in my thirties, then fifteen years of nothing at all.
- Around
- the 905, Toronto
My youngest moved out in the spring and the house went quiet in a way I was not ready for. Three grown children, a divorce eleven years ago, and fifteen years in which I did not do a single thing about a part of myself I had been perfectly clear about in my thirties. Sixty four, the 905. I am going to ramble a little here, because I have started this four times and every tidy version reads like somebody else wrote it.
I was active for about a decade from my late twenties, in a much smaller world where you met people through people and everybody was slightly frightened of being found out. I was good at it. I was not always kind, and I have thought about that a fair amount since.
What I want now is nothing like what I wanted then. Not intensity. Company, structure, somebody in the house regularly, a dynamic that is mostly attention and consistency. I would like to be useful to somebody in the way I know how to be useful.
I am aware that the vocabulary has moved on and that some of my instincts are out of date. I would far rather be corrected than tiptoed around.
Practical: a house, a car, a dog with strong opinions, and all the time in the world. Not looking for anybody under forty. Not looking to be anybody's father figure, which has been offered twice and made me feel strange both times. Not looking to be talked into anything at speed.